Welcome to Cobra Corner, with your host and rightful ruler, Cobra Commander!
“Thank you for tuning in. Not that you have any choice as I’m broadcasssting this to every televisssion acrosss the globe. My guessst today: Emperor Palpatine.”
“Greetings, Commander. Thank you for having me on your exceptional program.”
“Emperor, you were once the undisputed ruler of a mighty empire that ssspaned across the cosssmos. What happened?”
“One the eve of total victory against the pitiful Rebel Alliance, I was betrayed by Lord Vader.”
“We’ve all been there. Never trust a guy in a metal mask! So you were murdered by your once faithful lackey?”
“Yes. But I got better.”
“I am so pleasssed. And what can you tell us about your latest ssscheme?”
“Well, even though I was cast down into a fiery pit, unbeknownst to my enemies I had sired a son who begat me a granddaughter who lived in abject obscurity until a chance encounter with a clone of whom was assumed to be my successor… “
“…But was actually of no importance at all as revealed when I broadcasted my return to the entire galaxy just before I revealed a fleet of spaceships that lied dormant underground each with a full crew and compliment of zealots for 20 years…”
“…Until I could possess the body of the aforementioned granddaughterand and regain my rightful throne from the grandson of the man who betrayed me even though I was manipulating him all along…”
“…And now that I say it out loud it all seems rather foolish and full of nonsensical contrivances destined to fail.”
“Hey, I once tried to conquer America with a heavy metal band and rocket-armed burger jointsss, so who am I to judge. But I think you will agree with an asssssessment of the most obvious and subsequently critical flaw in your plan…”
“A failure to capitalize on audience synergy with a direct-to-consumer marketing campaign.”
“Err… I’m afraid I don’t follow…”
“The sight of your mighty fleet emerging from the rubble made for excellent visssuals, and the lightning was an essspecially nice touch too, but who does this armada represent? The First Order? The Empire? No one knowsss who you are.”
“Whenever I unleash a hoard of HISS Tanks and Battle Podsss upon the unsssuspecting sssimpering massssses, my troopsss absolutely make sure to yell “COBRA!” so even in the event that GI Joe thwarts our scheme, we still continue to build the brand, and THAT can be a victory onto itself.”
“Now I know.”
“And knowing isss half the battle.”
“I know that’s the catch phrase of those accursed Joesss, but I’m a villain, ssso I’m stealing it! THIS HASSS BEEN COBRA CORNER!”
